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the perfect garden, the imperfect people, and the expression of trust...

I wonder what the earth was like in the garden before the Fall. It must have been pure bliss. There was nothing that Adam and Eve didn't trust...they trusted each other, they trusted God, they trusted their place in life, never questioning, never pondering, never second-guessing. Can you even imagine? I can't. What it must have been like...I only dream to know. They never needed reassurance of anything in their life, never were they preoccupied with themselves, they never needed proof, never insecure, living life with affection and peacefulness. How I desire that in every aspect of my being, and how I know that it will never fully come until I am in the presence of the Lord. Because of the fall, my life is left with anxious thoughts, frustration, need for reassurance, mistrust, shaken up confidence, selfishness, and a need for a Savior. I am left to fight a battle that at times seems nearly impossible, that overtakes everything that I am until I can no longer feel and I am weeping in the arms of another, wondering if I will ever be able to dig myself out of the mire that I seem to have stumbled into. The depression and the despair shadow the love of God, shadow the life that I live and make it a cave that only sometimes allows me to see the light, and keeps me from revealing my true self. I am certain that I have made a horrible mess of my life. Then out of nowhere, I begin to reflect, and I recall all of the numerous ways that God has rescued, that He has been the sword I fight the battle with, that He has healed, that He has handed to me, without cost, total sustainable mercy and grace. The blessings of people who walk into my life and help me fully experience the love of God has helped me crawl out of that cave that has held me so captive...that has made me grow accustomed to the dark so that I no longer need light to see...the cave that has imprisoned me in my own thoughts and selfishness...the cave that I didn't even know I was in. I continually battle to find my worth, to trust without fear, to accept that I am a mess, and that I am a beloved child of the King. I am learning to let go of the reassurances that I need in order to feel complete, in order to trust fully. I am horrified at my failures and take comfort in my weariness, discomfort, and discouragement, because those are the people who Jesus spoke to and said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28. I am the one He was speaking to, I am the one He was calling to be His own. I am His beloved and His desire is for me. I have nowhere to go except this path I am on. In the past two months, this path has been everything and more that my heart has ever desired. My heart has been opened in ways to great to write, to great to tell, only to experience. I have the deepest gratitude for the man who has allowed God to work through him and to reveal so much about myself, to myself, and to allow me to express it to him. There is no greater expression of love to God than to be used by Him and to experience it with another.

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