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piercing the soul...

I have nothing intelligent to write. My soul has been pierced to the uttermost depths. The words that I write, the emotions that only I know have been lost forever. It feels as if part of me has been lost with it, the most wonderful 6 months of my life, and the memories are now fleeting from my mind, captured in time through my words, destroyed by one mistake on my computer. My mind is numb tonight...so is my soul. It is not a good feeling, nor is it one that is warranted at times, but nonetheless, what my mind and heart seem to conjure up, making it a temporary reality. I wish just once, to be able to go back and feel the joy, the pain, see the dreams, and read about the wishes...but it is a fleeting thought, one replaced by emptiness. I feel at this moment to never write another word. You must understand...I hid behind my words for many many years. It was my stage where I performed, where no one could criticize or applaud. Why is it so scary to come out of hiding? We all have a beauty to unveil, yet we stay in the prison that we have built, through the pain that others have caused. We cease to live. For me, the journey to come out of hiding has been slow, painful, full of joy at times, scary and intriguing. I suppose that is why I feel so incredibly saddened at losing my journal…it was no longer my place to hide, as it had been for so many years, but it was my place to document my long, arduous journey of unveiling myself to others, in hopes that they would see a reflection of God’s glory…it was a place where I documented the unveiling of my heart once again to being vulnerable. The words are gone forever, but I am learning that I remain, my beauty remains…and that words are just words without a writer.

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