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he who plows...

"...he who plows ought to plow in hope, and he who threshes should do so in hope of sharing the crop." 1 Corinthians 9:10b

plow: cultivation of soil in preparation for sowing seed or planting, to loosen or turn the soil rock bottom.

I remember the exact day and time that my life hit rock bottom. I was in the barrel and I was laying face down on the floor. It was that moment when your world spins out of control and you are spinning with it, afraid to stop, but afraid of what is ahead until at last you can spin no further because you have finally reached the bottom. That was me. A long time ago. That one summer day, my field had become hard, packed dirt, everything...and I mean everything had vanished. And there I was standing in the middle of that barren land, wishing that I could rewind and have just one more day. But that day never came. I agonized over the lost time, over the lost memories, over the lost person that I was...then I took the plow...and started to rebuild. I would like to say I plowed in hope, and maybe I did, but I didn't really feel hope. I felt despair, I felt defeated, I felt alone and I felt unloved. But that glimmer of hope, that refuses to let go, kept radiating in my heart, pulsating with every breath, pushing me to keep going...Jesus. It was hard, it took a lot of work and time and energy and took a lot of tough decisions that I didn't want to have to make. I planted the wrong things so many times, and still do, but I now know where the plow is and I am not afraid to use it anymore.

One reason and one reason alone why I am not afraid to use it anymore...because without the hard work I couldn't share in my student's pain of losing his mother to a violent crime, I couldn't help a marriage of friends that was falling apart, I couldn't speak to women about the hope that I now had, I couldn't hug a child who had been transferred from foster home to foster home and longed for a family, I couldn't love Jesus wholly and understand his grace. I couldn't be anything but an imposter without the experience of standing alone in a barren land and having to plow...waiting for His promise...until it was the most beautiful land imaginable.

"So those wo suffer according to God's will should, while doing what is good, entrust themselves to a faithful Creator." 1 Peter 4:19


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