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everything in it's season...

"...he is like a tree planted beside streams of water that bears its fruit in season and whose leaves do not wither..." Psalms 1:3

As I sat this morning, I began to feel tears flooding my eyes. Where have I been? I have felt that lately I have just existed...that I have forgotten to do the things that I love to do...that I am really just another human occupying space. I know more than just myself has felt the weight of this and has succombed to the sadness that seems to envelop a seemingly worthless time in life. You see, it is not that it is true, but sometimes you can't help but wonder, why on earth am I here when the seemingly mundane seems to be the status more often than not. When our adoption failed, my world was ripped apart. A life that I thought would be filled to the brim with laughter and hugs and goodnight kisses and prayer and tears and scrapes came to a screeching halt. I was left in solitude to grieve the 4 children that were once mine. I was being ripped apart from the inside and the hole in my heart was widening with every day. The PTSD counseling helped me to heal and helped that hole to eventually scar, but the lasting effects of something so painful, it never leaves. It is in the smile of a young child in the supermarket, it is at the snarkiness of a highschooler when they are too cool for life, it is at the photos of your friend's babies...and it often leaves me feeling that I am just existing, just trying to make it to the end when final healing will come. Often times, I feel like Hannah did..."I am a woman with a broken heart...praying from the depth of my anguish and resentment."

As I sat, opening my Bible, I turned to Psalm 1. And there it was...."...bears fruit in season...". I stopped and I just stared and stared and stared, as the washing machine ran it's spin cycle with thumping and clanking and noise all around, to me, my world fell silent. In desperation I clung to those words. My pain had forced me to sprint to my good King and to be reminded that I can't do this life alone. I fell to my knees and I cried out to God that He would listen, that He would see me, that my fruit would bear in its season...but until then, to be thankful that I am planted beside a stream of water and that my leaves will never wither. And then He did what He always does....He reminded me that He had never lost sight of me...that I had lost sight of Him and His promises. Gut wrenching. Heart breaking. Awakening.

Pain is real. But God is greater.

"I can see the promise I can see the future You’re the God of seasons I’m just in the winter If all I know of harvest Is that it’s worth my patience Then if You’re not done working God I’m not done waiting You can see my promise Even in the winter Cause You’re the God of greatness Even in a manger For all I know of seasons Is that You take Your time You could have saved us in a second Instead You sent a child"

"Seasons" Hillsong United, Words and Music by Chris Davenport, Benjamin Hastings & Ben Tan


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